lyrics to describe life

Show me the way
Take me to love
Things only heard now I want to feel
My soul caressed by silken breeze
Whisper secrets to listening trees
Show me that world
Take me to love
Show me the way
Take me to love
Come out, blue moon
I need a friend soon
To share what I feel, it's so rare
Shine down on me so I can see
The silver street that leads me to the place I want to be

A wish a dream
Magic go it does seem
Has time stood still just for me
It's saying that we're meant to be together forever one and other's destinys

Show me the way
Take me to love
Things only heard now I wanna see
Sun sets with glowing flowers
Nights live with story shows
Show them that world
Take me to love
Show me the way
Take me to love

Could we fly away
Lie on a cloud all day
Hold hands and get kissed by the sun
Shall we swim out deep
Watch dolphins leap
Like my heart would if you said I was the only one
Show me the way
Take me to love
Things only heard now I wanna be
Running through fields as the bird flies
Lost in the twilight of your eyes
Show me that world
Take me to love

Show them the way
Take them to love
Things only heard now they want to be
Two beings with one beating heart
For their whole lives not to part
Show them the way
Take them to love
ooooooooooh
La-la la-la la la-la-la
Show them the way
La.la la.la
La.la la.la.la
Take them to love
La.la la la.la.la
La.la la.la
La la.la.la
La.la la.la la la.la.la
yeah yeah yeahhhh la.la.la.
La.la.la.la.la.la.la.la.la.la.la.la.laooooooooohhhhhhhhhhh

book smart vs street smart and feeling disconnected

I actually posted this on my lj a few days ago but i felt like posting on here as well...

i really don't know where to start off the entry but i just felt like i should update and write/type a few things....this being said i must warn you that this entry might not flow very well and may be a bit jumble...so just beware. Also i have a headache so that is not going to help things at all.

first off i received an email today from MIT saying that i was not accepted to their graduate program...which i fully expected. but still, its a rejection and it does make me said. i mean like i said i truely didn't think that i was going to get in but it would have been really cool if i had. oh well...i still have 6 other programs that i am applying to so yea. we shall see



maybe its cause of the rain, maybe cause i have been sitting in my room for the past 6 hours doing nothing, maybe its the rejection from MIT or a little bit of all the above...but all of a sudden i am feeling very lonely...very ugly and slightly depressed. my resolution for this year was to have a better outlook on the way i look and to love the person who i am and therefore increase my self confidence cause lets face it ....i have very low self confidence outside of the academic realm

I mean in the classroom i am very confident in my intelligence and i admit that i am also proud of my intelligence. i am not trying to be boastful...just honest. but take me out of the classroom and but into real life and sometimes i feel like a fish out of water. i feel like there is so much about life that i don't know how to do. Like i know almost nothing about fashion...i know absolutely nothing about makeup or guys ( mean i dated chase twice after all). I feel like there is so much that i don't know that i wished i did but i don't know where to start. i dunno...i just don't know.

This is what i want to work on
This in essence is what my new year's resolution is about
but how do i go about changing these things?
i don't know

Speaking of things that i want to work on...i also want to work on the connection between my mind and my emotions or lack there of.

let me explain.


as some of you may or may not know...i hated middle school! this was due to the fact that during middle school (especially 6th and 7th grade)i was picked and bullied on...so much so that during lunch i would eat as fast as i could so that way i could go to the library and spend of the rest of lunch there. I also remember feeling like i just wanted to crawl up into a hole and die...i hated my life during that time that much. High school come around and my tormentors are lost in the mix of people. Also by this time i was so fed up with being picked on and stuff that i decided that was it! I would not take it anymore. So whenever anyone began to pick on me...even jokingly i would get upset and lash out. i remember that there was this one time that a friend of my said something to me and i was so upset that i kicked him in the shin and according to him it left a bruise. now this guy was a soccer player so that is saying something.

Anyways, unbeknown to me, at the same time i was lashing out i was also severing the connection between my emotions and my heart from that of my thoughts and my brain. I had subconsciously packaged up my emotions and my feelings and locked them safely away somewhere so that way people could not hurt me the way they had in the past. I think part of me knew that i was doing this but didn't truely understand what i was doing till recently. It really makes me sad that i did this but from a scientist POV i find it fascinating to see how i have used this as a mode of self defense and survival.

What upset me even more is that because i have being doing this for so long...i have no idea how to reverse it or if i even can. I want to but its hard...very hard. my emotions and my brain have been disconnected for so long now...part of fears that i would not like who i would be if they were reunited again...but at the same time i really want they connected. so yeah.



well that is enough of me analyzing things and being emo...i am going to go do something now..

weird dream

So i had a dream about chase last night...

It was kinda weird cause in my dream apparently i had put a restraining order against him but forgot about it or something. Anyways i was with two little kids who i think i remember as being my sister and someone else but they were much younger than my sister so i don't know. Oh another weird thing about my dream was that i was wearing a short black and white plaid skirt in my dream...why i dunno but i was. Anyways i was with them and i took them to this restaurant which apparently was near the tau delt house so we decided to cut through it to make the trip faster. When we first cut through there was no1 in the house so i just kinda went right through. anyways we cut through there house and there yard and go to this restaurant. So we are sitting there eating and then all of a sudden i see Chase. So i go over to him and was like can we talk. He was like ok. So we sit down and i was like i just want to sort though all of this stuff and trying figure out this mess that is our relationship. Then i was like before we start i just want to say one thing...i just want to say that i have no desire of dating you again..i just want to be friends...we have tried dating before and it just hasn't worked out and i don't want to have to deal with all that stress, confusion and drama anymore.

I don't remember how we got to this point in the conversation exactly but at some point Chase basically tells me the reason why our relationship was all my fault. That he truly did care but it was like i would try to get us together or show him some attention and then run away. He also said that he thought i kinda used him for affection and that i never truly liked him but rather the affection that he gave me. Basically he made me felt guilty and made it seem like everything that i ever tried to blame on him was actually something i did and that it was really my fault that things turned out as screwed up as they were. And the thing is that in my dream i believe him..i mean i remember feeling extreme sorrow and guilt for treating him that way and i remember at one point he showed my two poems he wrote and it was similar to the type of poetry i wrote about him. I also remember at one point that he got angry at me for treating him like that and stuff. I think ultimately at the end of the convo we decided to try and be friends again and agreed to meet again the next day to hang out (the next day was Stephie's birthday and a group of people were going to Busch Gardens to celebrate and then dinner afterwards and apparently was invite to Busch Gardens but i was not so we were going to meet for the dinner afterwards).

so anyways we say good bye and he leaves. Then as i am trying to leave i remember one of the cooks thinking that i was waitress and gave me some plates to serve and i was like i dunno where these are going and then she was like oh..you don't work here do you? and i was like nope. So yeah after that i finally leave with the two kids i came with and we go through the back yard of teh resturant...pass by the dog and enter the backyard of the tau delt house. So as we go to enter the house to cut through it again we realize that this time there are people in it. So as i open the door i was like oh sorry guys i was just cutting through. and they were its all good and i sit and talk to some of them for awhile. It was weird cause i was sitting to one of the guys who seemed like he was a brother but while i was talking to him he became Daniel Swale. and started talking to me about my skirt. After that i noticed Stephie and was like how come you invited Chase to Busch Gardens but not me? Whats up with that? and she was like i never invited him i have no idea what you are talking about. So we argue for a bit but then then get distracted by something in the kitchen so we go and check it out. turns out some of the guys had like put a bunch of different objects on the floor including a piece of gum and slice of swiss cheese. They had this animal that looked liked a dog but could talk and stand try to pick out first the piece of gum and then the cheese out of all the objects on the floor. It was very good at it but eventually figure it out. After watching that for a bit i left the room and went to talk to who i thought was Mullin but turned into Johnnie from work. Anyways i was talking to him about my convo with chase and how he made me feel very guilty and stuff and how he made it seem like i was really just projecting my mistakes and issues onto him and blaming him for it. As I was talking to Mullin/Johnnie someone hands me a folder of papers. In it are papers from Chase's lawyer in regards to the restraining order that was placed and summarizing our whole encounter earlier that evening. I was confused as to why i received it and Mullin/Johnnie told that because of he restraining order, each time we interacted that i receive this folder of info from his lawyers. At this point he hands me a book and was like here...read this it might help you with everything. So i take it and then i woke up.


so yeah..weird dream and now i can't stop thinking about it...blah....i'm going to take to Kristi about it on Thursday and see what she thinks.

drowning

Blog-Word! for bemyescape86
drowning
You're an individual - nobody was found with the same word as you! Check back later, maybe you'll have some LJ-Word buddies then!
@ aboutmylife.netadvogato.orgblogger.comblogs.gnome.orgblogspot.comdeadjournal.comgreatestjournal.cominsanejournal.comlivejournal.commyspace.comspaces.msn.com
Created by Grahame

I think it is very interesting that this is the word that is supposed to describe this journal. For it fits me very well. I am drowning in work....drowning in despair....and drowning in loneliness.... I am trying to get help but we shall see how it all turns out in the end....

oops

so i totally forgot i even had this thing. oops. well i am going to try and post more things here but i dunno if i will remember. I think i might try and post poems or thoughts on here that i don't want to post on lj..but like i said..we shall see how that goes. Well anyways here are two poems that i haven't really shared before but feel like posting so yeah.

This first poem i wrote back in july when i was trying to figure out if i should give chase another chance or not....

Uncharted Waters

I am about to enter uncharted waters
But do I dare take the plunge?
To enter could put me in danger
Do I dare risk it?
I have attempted entrance before
Only to wash ashore broken and bruised
Why should this time be any different?
You claim the seas have changed
You say this time will be different
And yet everywhere I look
I see storms around the corner
Storms of despair
Storms of uncertainty
Storms of confusion
But the biggest storm of all
Is the one I fear the most
It’s the storm of heartbreak and loneliness
It’s a storm I am all to familiar with
Especially when you are at the helm
And yet this time there is also sunshine
Light and hope for a better day
Could you be right?
Could things have changed?
I do not know for sure
For now I have one foot on land
And another in the sea
Waiting for the winds to show me the way

and the second one i wrote about a month ago....

Life is Hard

Life is hard
Love is painful
Hoy is fleeting
And relationships fail
But through it all
There is hope
Hope for a future
Hope for a way
Hope for the dawning of a bright new day
And with this hope I continue on
I cling to this hope
For its is my life vest
The only thing that keeps me afloat
For I am drowning
Drowning in this despair
Downing in this pain
Drowning in the depression that has claimed my soul
My soul is a tortured place
A place filled with brokenness
A place so dark that only I know its depths
For to the world I am whole
For to them I am happy
But this is all a façade
Just one of the many masks I wear
But one day it will be truth
At least that is what I pray
And that is the hope that I cling to
Each and every day!

new journal....agan

so i decided to give in and start a blog here as well......what is this the 7th on-line journal i have??? oh well...I'm not really sure if i will update here or not...we shall see.

so i guess that is it for now...maybe i will post something more meaningful later...i dunno...like i said we shall see ;)