book smart vs street smart and feeling disconnected

I actually posted this on my lj a few days ago but i felt like posting on here as well...

i really don't know where to start off the entry but i just felt like i should update and write/type a few things....this being said i must warn you that this entry might not flow very well and may be a bit jumble...so just beware. Also i have a headache so that is not going to help things at all.

first off i received an email today from MIT saying that i was not accepted to their graduate program...which i fully expected. but still, its a rejection and it does make me said. i mean like i said i truely didn't think that i was going to get in but it would have been really cool if i had. oh well...i still have 6 other programs that i am applying to so yea. we shall see



maybe its cause of the rain, maybe cause i have been sitting in my room for the past 6 hours doing nothing, maybe its the rejection from MIT or a little bit of all the above...but all of a sudden i am feeling very lonely...very ugly and slightly depressed. my resolution for this year was to have a better outlook on the way i look and to love the person who i am and therefore increase my self confidence cause lets face it ....i have very low self confidence outside of the academic realm

I mean in the classroom i am very confident in my intelligence and i admit that i am also proud of my intelligence. i am not trying to be boastful...just honest. but take me out of the classroom and but into real life and sometimes i feel like a fish out of water. i feel like there is so much about life that i don't know how to do. Like i know almost nothing about fashion...i know absolutely nothing about makeup or guys ( mean i dated chase twice after all). I feel like there is so much that i don't know that i wished i did but i don't know where to start. i dunno...i just don't know.

This is what i want to work on
This in essence is what my new year's resolution is about
but how do i go about changing these things?
i don't know

Speaking of things that i want to work on...i also want to work on the connection between my mind and my emotions or lack there of.

let me explain.


as some of you may or may not know...i hated middle school! this was due to the fact that during middle school (especially 6th and 7th grade)i was picked and bullied on...so much so that during lunch i would eat as fast as i could so that way i could go to the library and spend of the rest of lunch there. I also remember feeling like i just wanted to crawl up into a hole and die...i hated my life during that time that much. High school come around and my tormentors are lost in the mix of people. Also by this time i was so fed up with being picked on and stuff that i decided that was it! I would not take it anymore. So whenever anyone began to pick on me...even jokingly i would get upset and lash out. i remember that there was this one time that a friend of my said something to me and i was so upset that i kicked him in the shin and according to him it left a bruise. now this guy was a soccer player so that is saying something.

Anyways, unbeknown to me, at the same time i was lashing out i was also severing the connection between my emotions and my heart from that of my thoughts and my brain. I had subconsciously packaged up my emotions and my feelings and locked them safely away somewhere so that way people could not hurt me the way they had in the past. I think part of me knew that i was doing this but didn't truely understand what i was doing till recently. It really makes me sad that i did this but from a scientist POV i find it fascinating to see how i have used this as a mode of self defense and survival.

What upset me even more is that because i have being doing this for so long...i have no idea how to reverse it or if i even can. I want to but its hard...very hard. my emotions and my brain have been disconnected for so long now...part of fears that i would not like who i would be if they were reunited again...but at the same time i really want they connected. so yeah.



well that is enough of me analyzing things and being emo...i am going to go do something now..