too much free time is never a good thing

I feel depressed yet i don't
i feel alone
i want a hug
why am i like this?
what is wrong with me?
just when things are looking up...bam!
i am dragged down again
I am a failure
I have come to realize that is one of my greatest fears
I am afraid of failing
I am afraid of disappointing
maybe that is why i joke so much about failing at life
cause deep down i know that its true
i put on the mask
and separate the pain
so that over time
i don't even know its there
I don't know anymore
i just don't know....

Poetry and imagery is forming in my mind, waiting to come out.....this is not a good sign

good weekend

So this weekend has been a good weekend and i think i am finally getting used to Knoxville and beginning to get settled in..which is def a good thing. here are some highlights from this weekend so far:

*went to Chattanooga again with my cousin on Friday night...i really do love that town (see below), every time i leave it i feel refreshed and at peace. i really wish i could move my program to the Chattanooga campus cause that would be perfect but atlas that is not possible.... *heavy sigh* life goes on...

*Finally went to the Farmer's Market in downtown Knoxville on Saturday. I have known about for like a month or so now but never actually went till Saturday and boy am i glad that i did. It was soo cool. They had all these little stands where farmers would sell organic vegetables and fruits. Some stands sold jewelry or other such crafts...it was really cool. Also the place it was located had all of these neat stores that were like "green" stores and fair trade places. of course all of them were really expensive but it was still nice to look around. It made me realize that the Knoxville does have at least a bit of a artistic soul which is nice.

*meet up with a friend from my program and we went to this store that sold used used books, cds, and movies for cheap! I got 4 movies (princess bride, pan's labyrinth, Sahara, and V for vendetta), three books (Pandora, Pride and Prejudice, and a book that had Frankenstein, Dracula, and Dr Jekyll and Mr. Hyde all together) as well as two cds (Santana and jimmy buffet) for $33! :-D It was exciting....that store is def going to be one of my favorites but its also very dangerous cause its easy to spend a lot of money cause they have so much to choose from.

but yeah those are just some highlights from my life here in Knoxville. i should prolly get started on my hmwk now...adios!

i want :-P

having fun with words....

so after searching on the interwebs for some ideas on a tshirt design for my program here at UT i came across this really cool site where it will take text and basically organize it in a really cool (i'm describing this really bad but i'm tired)...anyways after coming up with a few ideas for GST i decided to try to describe me and here is my final product:




ps the words i used were from my post the time before last....

genes = pigs?

So i was reading an article about gene imprinting for my take home exam and i just thought that the following quote was very interesting...
"In this respect, they're similar to the tyrannical pigs in George Orwell's Animal Farm who famously declared; 'all animals are equal, but some animals are more equal than others.' The same is true for genes, and its often the imprinted genes that are 'more equal' in the formation of human diseases."

after i read this all i could think about where these genes that look like little pigs running around with signs saying "equal but more equal" on them...lol. I'm special what can i say

oh and if for some reason you feel compelled to read the article here is the link...Although its a science paper its really not that hard to understand..at least i don't think it is...plus there are lots of pretty pictures (no piggies though :( .... lol)

ps. disregard the quink quink thing in the picture...that was something i did to make fun of my sister :-P

walking contradiction

so ever since i moved to Knoxville, i have had a lot time to think and evaluate myself. This is prolly in large part to the fact that i am not running around like a chicken without her head as much as i was at CNU and the fact that instead of knowing everyone on campus but like 15 people i only know 15 people on campus (that's for another post another day). So i have come up with one main point/characteristic about myself that can basically sum up who i am.

I'm a walking contradiction/ oxymoron
( not sure which word is better to use..i'm sure either beth or janelle will tell me later ...lol )

Allow me to explain....

1)I have a scientific mind but an artistic soul
* most of you who read this already know this but for those of you don't me and happen to stumble to across this blog...my mind works science. I don't want it is, but my thoughts and everything are just very logical and in a scientific manner. I am always thinking about something to do with science and have even been known to relate a scientific topic to a everyday object. For example, one day while studying for an biochemistry test with some friends in the atrium of the science building at CNU, i looked up and saw the rope lights wrapped around one of the palm trees in there. now most people would look at that and think oh its just a rope light, but my first thought was...hey that kinda looks like a alpha helix (think DNA structure but only one strand). So ok...you might be think so what, most people would stop there and say nothing of it...no..not me...i decided to point out this revelation and even used it as a model to show how the amino acids bond to form the structure. That is just how my mind works....it works with science.


However, my soul is another story. my soul longs for beauty, it longs for art, especially visual art. I am always attracted to things have an artistic flair and as many of my friends know i use art myself as a stress reliever. It is my outlet for the turmoils that occur within my soul. since my heart and my soul have been disconnected (see previous post) art is the only way that i can truly express and release what my soul wants to reveal. It wasn't until i came to Knoxville and started grad school that i truly understood how much my soul needs art in order to survive. The first couple of weeks of being all i did was science science science and i as i explained above..i like science i truly do and it was great for my mind but my soul was slowly dying. Here i was filling my mind but starving my soul. I prolly would have gone doing this if it wasn't for my aunt and cousin. They called me up one day and wanted to know if i wanted to meet up with them in a town that was a half-way point between here and where they live. Our original plan was to go to the aquarium there but once i got there and saw all the art that was around me i quickly decided to forgo the aquarium and focus more on the artistic sides of the town. It was so refreshing and def what i needed at the time. That day i concluded that once i get a real job i need to live and work at a place where i will be readily available to art and be surrounded by it and yet still be able to do my scientific research/teaching.

I am not sure i am really explaining this part very well since like i said my mind is scientifc and i'm trying to descibe my artistic soul so if its confusing let me know but yeah this explaination is long enough so i will continue on and try to be breif. Oh and btw...the picture above is one of the few times that my mind and soul have decided to come together to create something.


2)I have been described as and considered myself an extroverted introvert
*The thing that actually made me think about this was looking at an old survey that beth had posted in which she descibed me as an extroverted introvert. this made me think and made me realize that this is truly the perfect desciption of me. See growing up i was always more of an introvert than anything else. but as i went through high school and then espcially in college i began to become more and more extroverted but still retained some of my introverted tendencies. Once again one thing that i have noticed since i moved here is that untill i get used to my surroundings and the enviornment i'm in i will become very introvert and meerily obsevre everyone and everything until i am confortable. Once i have reached this confort level then the extrovert in my comes out and i will talk to anyone. hence i am extroverted introvert.

3)I am Spanish yet French
* Its always fun when people who have see my name before they meet me and then once they do meet me become very confused. you see my name is very french and yet i am tan and have a hispanic complexion. This is due to the fact that my dad's family is french canadian and my mom is columbian therefore french name with dark complexion.

4)I am smart yet stupid
*I'm going to try and make this short by simply saying that i am very book smart (not trying to boast honestly) but when it comes to alot of common sense or "real world" things i am very stupid. if you want to know more you can go to one of my old posts here

5) I'm crazy yet sane (?)
*I like to say that there is a fine line between genius and insanity and i am not quite sure which side i am on. sometimes i wonder how much sanity i truly have since i tend to talk to myself sometimes out loud and in public (oops) but yeah sometimes i feel like i walking on a blurred line and every now and then will fall over onto one side or the other.

coloring....

so last friday i got a package in the mail from Bekah and Aaron. "They" (aka bekah) had sent me a picture from a coloring book of two dinosaurs one that is pink (bekah) and the other one was blue with a black band tshirt and glasses (aaron). Also in the package was a small bruce figurine. Getting the package totally made my day and made me happy so i decided to go to the dollar store and get a coloring book and some small toys to send back to them. Getting the coloring book was prolly a bad idea cause i sit down and color instead of doing my hmwk...oops! but yeah...i just wanted to share and to show you guys a picture that i colored cause it made me happy :-D


well i guess i should prolly get back to work...adios!